Lazy Boy Gaming

During my childhood, there was one scene in Indiana Jones that will always be stuck in mind.

Good ol’ Indy was in India searching for some precious something or other. During his quest, he was confronted by a huge guy wielding two swords. After about 10 minutes of showing off his swordfighting skills and screaming like a banshee in heat, Indy casually draws his revolver and shoots the guy dead.

I mean… goddamn! I didn’t know it was possible for good guys to avoid lengthy fight scenes like that. No Jackie Chan kungfu sequences, or James Bond gadgets. Just a trusty six-shooter and a shoot-and-scoot attitude.

As our name suggests, we here at Lazy Boy Gaming are tired of drawn out action sequences between the good guys and the anonymous henchmen. We like our fight scenes like our sexcapades with paid hookers: fast, furious, and over in 30 seconds.

Hence, here are some of our original ideas for gaming cut scenes:

Good guy gets trapped in a hopeless situation

So after a prolonged fight, you run out of ammo and the villain has captured you.

Rather than shooting you on the spot, he does what any stupid villain who went to Evil Medical School would do: he traps you in an enclosed chamber for a different kind of death. It could be an alligator pit, a box suspended over a volcano, or a the bottom or a rocket launch pad. Whatever it is, your death will be horrific.

You need to find a way to get out of that deathbox… quick. You start banging on the walls, press the “E” key on anything that looks remotely useful, heck you even pause the game to figure out what to do. But then, just before the countdown ends and you get roasted or flambeed for the alligators, the chamber opens and your sidekick comes to the rescue.

Gave you a pretty good scare, didn’t it?

Henchmen faceoff

So you escape the chamber of death and run along the endless corridors of the villain’s underground lair. But what’s this? An army of anonymous henchmen block your path.

So you start firing away with your pistol, submachine gun, and M60 (just how the heck can you carry all those and run at the same time?). As your ammo starts to dwindle, you resort to using your knife, but the bad guys keep on coming. Just how the hell can you stop these guys?

Just as your ammo runs out, you see a control panel labeled “Open outer doors / airlock / magma vent”. Push the lever and the 200 remaining henchmen are instantly gone.

Final showdown

You don’t need to read horoscope signs to know how this will end. The only question is by what method.

So the bad guy is in a powered robot ninja suit studded with missiles and rockets.

Do an Indy and shoot him in the head.

You win, game over.